Summary
Video games are great for allowing players to live their biggest hero fantasies. No monster is too large to overcome, no village is engulfed in a fire too powerful to put out. Still, the adventures that began with abrave Hylian kidwielding a simple but practical sword have inspired a wide number of characters with a bit more trouble picking the best weapon for the task.
Unfortunately, a lot of video games feature characters who wield weapons whose usage makes no sense in the worlds they inhabit. The following are a few cases of video game weapons that might seem impressive at first glance, but that characters have no business using in an actual fight.
In their defense, both Zell and Tifa wear metal gloves, which is probably advantageous when fighting regular people who don’t wear metal gloves. Still, they are venturing into a world of danger, usually filled with robots which are entirely made of metal that’s likely harder and heavier than the heroes' gloves.
Both Zell and Tifa aren’t limited to just punching their opponents, as they both have attacks where they use their metal guard-less legs. To make matters even more hilarious, Zell, because of his Limit Break, is by far the hardest-hitting character inFinal Fantasy 8.
Squall’s gunblade is arguably the most derided weapon in the history ofFinal Fantasy,but does it deserve the hate? It’s complicated. There were actual historical real-world figures who used swords that shot bullets — and they did well enough in battle. The problem with the weapon in the spotlight of the mostbeautiful game in theFinal Fantasyseriesis that it doesn’t work like its real-world counterpart.
The blade works like a regular blade would, but it doesn’t really shoot bullets. Instead, the bullets explode so that the blade vibrates in a way that will somehow cause more damage to the enemies it hits — should players hit the trigger at the right moment. It sounds like it would be way more likely to break one’s trigger finger than to cause (more) serious damage to an opponent. It still has a pretty cool design, though.
A loud gun that can kill enemies from afar or destroy them in the goriest-possible way when up close? The Lancer from theGears Of Warseries was a perfect marketing strategy to show off the Xbox 360’s capabilities to the edgy teens of mid-’00s America, but it falls apart upon closer examination. Who would want a gun that they’d need to both reload and refuel? Players should thank the devs for not forcing players to look for fuel for their lancer, because that would kill the experience.
Plus, since every enemy the players face wears literal tons of armor, it’s unlikely that the chainsaw part of the gun would ever be useful in combat. To add insult to injury, thelatest games in the seriestook the inexplicable stance of reducing the game’s gore and intensity despite the much more powerful hardware, thus making the Lancer feel like a puzzling artifact of a beautiful, long-lost past.
Before an even larger threat shows up later in the original game, the Covenant are presented as the biggest threatin theHalouniverse.No player would determine that, however, from many of the guns they use — especially their base pistol.
Its normal shot does little to no damage, and its charged-up shot is only good enough to merely deplete the Master Chief’s shields. It was a staple ofHalo 2’sonline multiplayer, because its charged shot made for an easy kill — but only when combined with a shotgun once the enemy’s shields are down. This is an especially strange choice for an all-powerful empire’s basic gun when players remember that the Master Chief’s own regular UNSC pistol was by far the most powerful weapon in that game.
It’s true that theFalloutseries is supposed to be somewhat funny, and that accidentally getting oneself killed in any of the games in the series is, many a time, one of the biggest sources of fun it can provide. Still, it’s weird that a game hellbent on warning people against the dangers of nukes would allow players to indulge in mini-nukes.
One can ignore them going against the message of the game because playingFalloutwithout getting satire is nigh unthinkable. Still, it’s hard to understand why someone would ever consider using a weapon very likely to kill their enemies, yes, but also their companions and, worst of all, their poor dog.
TheDoomreboot from 2016 is a fantastic game in all but one aspect: the disappointing pistol that players begin the game with. It’s incredibly underpowered, down to the point of having players wondering (correctly) if they shouldn’t be using their fists instead.
Even back in ‘99, when makingQuake 3, the developers at Id realized that a regular pistol no longer had what it took to make these battle arenas as hardcore as they needed to be, so they made a machine gun the base weapon. Luckily, Id quickly re-learned the lesson by the time they releasedDoom Eternal, which features an ultra-powerfulshotgun as its weakest weapon.
Horizonseries was clearly going for a vibe where the past is mixed with a hypothetical robot-filled future to create an original universe. It’s understandable that a bow would be the main weapon in a game about hunting beasts, but this bow just isn’t fun to use. In a world filled with rich in technology, this bow should feel like a much more powerful weapon.
Whenever a weapon requires the player to charge the shot, it should deliver a devastating payoff. Instead, many of the battles in theHorizongames feel like target practice against arrow sponges. Other games mentioned on this list, such asGears of WarandTomb Raider,at least do bow action right.
The two most memorable aspects of Lara Croft’s design are, no doubt, her double pistols. She’s been wearing them eversince the originalTomb Raider, so just not featuring them in one game would be sacrilege. Then cameTomb Raider: The Angel Of Darkness,whose promotional material assured players that, naturally, the guns would be back. But, for some inexplicable reason, they were not. Lara could only use one gun at once in that game. Even though that actually makes way more sense than donning two, it’s just a slap in the face of fans.
There’s nothing wrong with swords, or Tidus’ sword, specifically. It would be extremely hypocritical to complain that games get too wild when it comes to choosing weapons for their main characters, then complain about a regular sword. However, this is not just about the weapons themselves, but about how little sense they make in their respective games.
InFinal Fantasy 10,Tidus is a star Blitzball player, and players know for a fact that Blitzball balls can be weaponized in that world. He is not, in any way, a trained swordsman. It’s sad that this isn’t the game where the developers strayed from the mold of the main character who wields a sword, opting instead for a ball as a unique main weapon. And wait, because things get sillier.
1Wakka’s Ball (Final Fantasy 10)
Man’s Gonna Get Everyone Killed
Wakka fromFinal Fantasy 10has many problems. He’s dealing with a lot of grief from the death of his brother, is rather annoying and clueless, and is also a bad Blitzball player — the sport that he lives for. He really shouldn’t be using aspiky ball as his main weapon,but that’s just how the world of Spira rolls. To come full circle, much like Zell with his useless gauntlets inFinal Fantasy 8, Wakka, with his useless ball abilities, is also the character with the most powerful Overdrive move in the game.
